If you are like me, sometimes “or all the time” challenged by power struggles between you and your children and want clues on how to manage these struggles and somehow guide yourself and your children towards a place you don’t feel stuck, then this is the article for you.
In this post I will share my Secret Three Reasons, why kids say No sometimes and give clues on why power struggles happen at home.
Demand or a Request; As yourself, are you approaching you’re child with a “demand” or a “request” – A demand is when you approach your child with pretty much an order. As we all know an order is asking someone to do something and expecting him or her to do it- it involves complete obedience. A request on the other hand is very different, it is asking someone to do something and really expecting them to have a say in it; when are they willing to do it? How would they like to do it? And sometimes, it is really whether they are willing to do it at all or not. As adults, we really get offended if someone, even if it was someone as close as our partner or mum, approaches us with a demand. Actually I believe it is no longer accepted in society that people approach each other with demands, however somehow it is still acceptable for care-givers/teachers/parents to approach kids with demands and expect kids to obey. Kids, like adults, react very negatively when approached in such a way. Clue; next time you’re asking your child to go do his/her homework notice if you’re using phrases like “would you be willing to..”, “what do you think about…”, “how about….”-
Your children’s needs; at this very moment you’ve approached them with your request. In often times we assume that we know what’s best for our children in any given time, but in a lot of cases this assumption is not true. Actually in a lot of cases this assumption contributes to the disconnection and to not meeting their needs for being heard, seen or empathizes with. Clue; you ask your daughter to do her homework and she responds saying no. In this case, “as a parent” I would take this opportunity to learn more about the reasons behind the no; is she tired? Is homework too much? Is she afraid she would find difficulty with homework and need support? Does she need rest? Or need play? Or maybe something else is going on that is occupying her attention.
Be true and honest; about how you feel and what are your needs as a parent. All through our relationship and with my step kids too, sharing how I feel about a given situation, and what are my needs and sometimes how I interpret a situation really contributed to the connection between us. In numerous conversations between my children, and me they would change their stand on something out of empathy and understanding of my needs. Being open enables them to tap into their need for contributing to me in a positive and loving way. Clue; Be honest with your child, no playing games or manipulation to get what you want. Just be in their eye level and speak your heart.
These are my secrets, would very much enjoy yours!
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Marwa Advocates for freedom, peace, and building compassionate homes.